'THE YEAR TO COME'

  [Excelsior, Mexico]

 

 

Nachrichten, Switzerland

2009: A Look Back at the Year that 'Was' …

 

"DECEMBER: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are finally freed from their pillories. According to analysts, the two create a tourist boom in Washington among people from the Middle East, and in these turbulent economic times, a simultaneous boom in the shoe industry. Unfortunately, garbage dumps in the U.S. capital and the surrounding areas were overwhelmed by the volume of shoes."

 

By Patrik Etschmayer

 

Translated By Patrik Etschmayer

 

December 29, 2008

 

Switzerland - Nachrichten - Original Article (German)

JANUARY: Following an initial training period, the newest member of the Swiss Federal Council, Ueli Maurer, declares at a January press conference that things for the Swiss Army aren't so bad after all. While he said the army certainly wasn't ready for combat and lacks a functioning infrastructure, these problems could be resolved by repeat training courses for service members on ships cruising the coast of Somalia [for pirates]. This will allow us to rebuild the infrastructure at home without service members getting in the way."

 

[Editor's Note: The Swiss Federal Council is a seven-member executive council which constitutes the federal government of Switzerland and serves as the Swiss collective head of state ].

 

FEBRUARY: Nearly a fortnight after his inauguration, Barack Obama announces that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney will be pilloried in Washington D.C. [graphic, left]. American citizens and tourists alike were at their discretion permitted to throw shoes at them. "And this time, Dubya cannot duck away!" Only hours after the announcement, all flights from Iraq to the United States were fully booked and shoe stores in Baghdad emptied.

 

MARCH: After continued success, ski-jumper Simon Amman succeeds Roger Federer as Switzerland's leading sports idol. All across Switzerland - including the lowlands - new ski jumps are constructed for youngsters wanting to take advantage of the added training opportunities our region has to offer.

 

APRIL: In order to replenish the cash-strapped coffers of the United States, Alaska is auctioned off on E-Bay. China wins with a bid of $1.5 trillion, but the purchase is made with a condition: Governor Sarah Palin must not remain in the state. In the aftermath, she moves to Washington D.C. In a surprisingly candid statement, Chinese President Hu Jintao said, "We are making very minimal demands in terms of governance - but even to us, Palin is unacceptable." U.S. President Barack Obama's only comment: "What a shame!"

 

MAY: Despite low gasoline prices, Formula One teams suffer from a tough economic climate. Since team McLaren of Mercedes is growing, it decides to put the new MP4-24 Formula One car into early retirement, replacing it with souped-up smart cars. Team leader Ron Dennis states that with these new cars, they can at least afford enough fuel to complete each race. "And as a special bonus, you can fit two smart cars at pole position simultaneously!" Ferrari responded immediately. Luca die Montezemolo, head of the Ferrari Group, said dryly that after Ferrari replaces its F-2009 with the new Fiat 500 Abarth, the new McLaren Smart Cars wouldn't stand a chance.

 

JUNE: Switzerland sorely missed the European football championships that made last summer so entertaining. This year no one knew what to do with themselves, especially in the capital of Berne. In a display of rare competence, Berne Mayor Tschäpätt resolved the problem: "We had an inkling that without Dutch football fans, it would be dead boring here, just like it used to be. So we were prepared and have already arranged for the transfer of 2000 Oranjes to our city in early spring. [A highly unlikely prospect since the Oranjes are the national team of The Netherlands ]. They'll spend a month in Berne - all expenses paid - to lift the city's dull atmosphere!" [Along with Austria, in 2008 Switzerland hosted the wildly popular UEFA Cup, but was eliminated].

 

JULY: Nicolas Sarkozy made news again - this time in sports. Just to prove that he can keep up with the best in every field - and we mean every field - Sarkozy enters the Tour de France. His wife Carla Bruni [photo, right] accompanies him in the car of the French national team, cheering him on with by singing her own songs and playing the guitar. He pulls out of the race before the first mountain stage after a week in the overall lead, ostensibly to prepare for the Iron Man competition. The incredibly low average speed of 16.5 mph up to that point is - according to race officials - due to very strict anti-doping controls, rather than by the phalanx of police-motorcycles protecting Sarkozy's back from the other cyclists ...

 

AUGUST: The Germany, the election campaign enters its hot phase - albeit no one even notices since everyone is on vacation. American car companies Chrysler and GM, which thanks to state assistance last until August, go bankrupt. But since no one buys these cars anyway, nobody notices. 

Posted by WORLDMEETS.US

 

SEPTEMBER: September: After a brutal, merciless all-out campaign in which the Social Democratic Party and Christian Democratic Union/Christian Social Union of Bavaria took no prisoners, repeatedly ruling out a repetition of a coalition-government, both clearly fail at obtaining a clear majority. And so again, they only manage to retain a hold on power by working with one another. The new and former chancellor, Angela Merkel (CDU), with Vice-Chancellor Steinmeier (SPD) at her side, took up their posts again with the words: "Even though we never wanted it this way, we have to go on together because ... we just like being in power way to much not to!"

 

OCTOBER: There are triple-resignations from the [seven member] Swiss Federal Council: Moritz Leuenberger, Pascal Couchepin and Micheline Calmy-Rey bid farewell to the Federal Capital. At a press-conference, Moritz Leuenberger states that his government-job took away too much time from updating his blog. Pascal Couchepin just growled something and flung a pen at his sneering colleague Ueli Maurer and Micheline Calmy Rey just said that it was time to return to her home-planet. She was then ensconced within a bright blue orb and disappeared without a trace.

 

The Swiss Federal Council, the 'head of state' in Switzerland's

unusual democratic system: From left to right: Eveline Widmer

-Schlumpf, Moritz Leuenberger, Micheline Calmy-Rey, Pascal

Couchepin, Samuel Schmid, Doris Leuthard, Hans-Rudolf Merz,

Federal Chancellor Corina Casanova.

 

NOVEMBER: Microsoft announces its new operating system, Windows 7, to be released at the beginning of 2010. When asked why Vista was already being retired after repeated claims by Microsoft that it was extremely successful, CEO Steve Ballmer throws a mobile phone at one of the inquiring journalists. The reporter manages to dodge the device, but to his amazement, he notices that it was a model with the Google Android mobile operating system on it. Microsoft's press office states that Ballmer always carries a few Android devices to use as projectiles.

Posted by WORLDMEETS.US

 

DECEMBER: George W. Bush and Dick Cheney are finally freed from their pillories. According to analysts, the two create a tourist boom in Washington among people from the Middle East, and in these turbulent economic times, a simultaneous boom in the shoe industry. Unfortunately, garbage dumps in the U.S. capital and surrounding areas are overwhelmed by the volume of shoes.

 

CLICK HERE FOR GERMAN VERSION

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Posted by WORLDMEETS.US January 5, 3:00am]