An embarrassed President Obama turns down the Academy Award for
best male lead, insisting that he's not an actor, Mar. 7.
Nachrichten,
Switzerland
2010: The Year In
Review!
"March: There is a sensation at the Oscars when, on
March 7, Barack Obama wins the award for best male lead. Obama refuses to
accept the award because he's not an actor. 'Actors learn to read their lines by
heart; I’d be hopeless without a teleprompter!'"
January:Hans-Rudolf Merz, a member of the Swiss Federal Council and president
of the Swiss Confederation in 2009, gives an interview about his past year as president,
which he deems a success: “There was no invasion and the Federal Palace still
stands: During these difficult times, you've got to be content with the little
things!”
New revelations on Blocher-TV: Not only did Christoph Blocher have a secret operation during his tenure, since
Federal Council meetings were futile anyway, he sent a body-double. “All he had to do was wind up Leuenberger
for me so I could use my time more productively.”
[Editor's Note: Blocher TV is an Internet broadcast where former Federal Council member and
self-made billionaire Christof Blocher is regularly interviewed by a journalist
sympathetic to him. The "secret operation" the author mentions was stomach surgery that Blocher had while on vacation, without telling anyone on the Council. When he looked ill upon his return, he pretended it was a problem with a bad fish dinner. Finally, "winding up Leuenberger" is a reference to Blocher's nemisis Moritz Leuenberger. Blocher loves to provoke Leuenberger during Federal Council meetings. Interestingly, both are sons of priests and have a reputation for loving to hear themselves talk].
February: The Olympics duel between Swiss ski jumper Simon
Amman and Austrian GregorSchlierenzauer
is so close that it leads to a nasty bar brawl in Whistler, B.C. The barkeep at the The Drunken Moose, Bill Riley, was certainly relieved that
the bar was still in one piece afterwards, since both athletes, who starved themselves
to reach the optimum weight for competition, barely managed to hurl beer
coasters at one another.
In Iran, President Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad insists that all four million protesters occupying the streets of
Tehran were paid by the CIA.
March: A sensation at the Oscars: On March 7, Barack Obama wins the award for
best male lead. Obama refuses to accept the award because he's not an actor.
“Actors learn to read their lines by heart; I’d be hopeless without a
teleprompter!”
On
the same day, Switzerland holds a referendum. But, since it isn't about
foreigners, no one votes.
April: Apple launches its new tablet computer. Apple fan-boys the world over camp
outside Apple stores for days before sales begin. "It’s like an iPhone, only bigger and shinier!” is the explanation
given by Allan Turding, who camped on the sidewalk for days and managed to secure pole
position outside the Apple Flagship store on Stockton Street in San Francisco.
May: At the opening of the World Expo in Shanghai, President HuJintao announces that China
intends to buy Africa: “We believe Africans would make good Chinese. And we
need to do something with our money!” In order to demonstrate the seriousness
of its proposal, Beijing makes the entire nation of Burundi one of the
attractions at the Expo.
Posted by WORLDMEETS.US
The Eurovision Song Contest
is won by Ukraine, which came in just ahead of Barack Obama, who didn’t even
participate. He commented: “That's enough now!”
June: Nobody does anything because the Football World Cup in South Africa,
recently renamed “South China,” is going on. Although it's the dead of winter
in South Africa, none of the games are postponed because of snow. The Swiss
drop out of the quarterfinals after eliminating Germany in the first knockout
round. German coach Leow attributes this to a
steady exodus to Switzerland of the best players: “Ever since goal bonuses were
subject to the Solidarity Tax [introduced in Germany to pay for the development
of former East Germany] we’ve had a problem.
July: The
Tour de France is totally dedicated to the fight against doping. Each cyclist is
assigned a policeman who watches the athlete from the moment they cross the finish
line of one stage in the evening until they go back to the starting line the next day.
“Professional cyclists are potentially the worst criminals out there!” says
French Justice Minister RachidaDati. Meanwhile in
the background, a few hundred cars go up in flames during annual summer riots by
French youth.
August: Thanks to a misunderstanding, theSnuff
Snorting World Championshipin Oberlauterbach,
Bavaria, is overrun by an anti-drug task force. The media is delighted to
report on something other than the weather.
September:
The Pope canonizes Barack Obama. Visibly annoyed, Obama calls a press
conference. The core message: “This is a memo to everyone who gives away
titles, awards or other things: Strike me off your list unless you want to find
out just what the U.S. Air Force is capable of!”
Posted by WORLDMEETS.US
The Swiss
hostages in Libya are freed at last as a result of a meeting between Hannibal
Gaddafi and Hans Blocher, former member of the Federal Council - and the appointment of Gaddafi as an honorary citizen of Herrliberg.
October: A new 50-franc banknote is released in Switzerland.
Designed by Manuela Pfrunder, the note is quite
attractive and safer to use than ever. Given the Swiss National Bank's tight monetary policy,
the note may remain the only one of its kind. “We may print a second one - but
for the moment this will do!” said National Bank President Dr. Philipp
Hildebrand, while pocketing the note.
Meanwhile, the Nobel
Committee announces that the 2010 Nobel Prize in Literature wasn't awarded for
fear that Stockholm would be bombed.
November: Midterm elections are held in the U.S. The
tactic of having Obama awarded all sorts of honors at first appears to have
paid off for Republicans. But the results turn in favor of Democrats when
belatedly, on November 1, Sarah Palin is awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature
for her memoirs, and the great hopes of Republicans are irrevocably sunk.
December:
The Christmas holidays fall on a weekend. Consumers are desperate because
there's no need to hoard food for four days. Or, as Constance Hämmerle from Wigoltingen put it:
“Christmas without shopping carts about to collapse under their own weight
as we pretend there'll never be food again simply isn’t
Christmas … Thank God things will be better next year!”
