Anticipating apocalypse and the expiration of corned beef.
Citizens Demand Accurate Predictions for Doomsday! (El Observador, Uruguay)
"We, responsible citizens, who hoard groceries and buy
ammunition for our guns, need someone to tell us when everything is to explode,
in order to know when we need to renew our provisions or whether we'll be able
to survive on what we have. It would be awful if, after waiting all this time,
the end of the world found us with our gunpowder wet, so that we couldn't shoot
the heads off those who would rob us of our cans of corned beef!"
Uruguay President José Mujica addressing the U.N. General Assembly, Sept, 24. Mujica, who is said to be the poorest head of state in the world and still lives on a farm, explains how difficult it is for the poverty-stricken to share in the market-driven prosperity prevalent in the world today. He also warns of the destruction of the natural world and the rapid changes in lifestyle.
It's been a
while since anyone has told us when the world will end, which we need to know
in order to take precautions.
The
world was to end several times last year. There have been capriciously-interpreted
Mayan prophecies, a pair of North American preachers said Judgment Day was
imminent, and still others revealed new apocalyptic versions of the writings of
Nostradamus, so vague that they may just as well mean that the lady next door will get highlights in her hair as the world is ending.
The
problem is that the world went on without batting an eyelid, moving gradually
toward destruction, but in no way indicating what it will succumb to. That
shows a real lack of respect toward those of us who, as diligent citizens, are
meticulously preparing for the coming Apocalypse.
It's
one thing to announce that an international crooner will sing on such and such
a day, and then, citing technical problems, cancel the event shortly thereafter, when
the fact was that not enough tickets were sold to make the occasion profitable.
That has happened hundreds of times and is acceptable, understandable, and
sometimes even desirable. But to say that the world is going to end and then see
it not end, is deplorable from every perspective. Especially when no new date
is fixed!
We,
responsible citizens, who hoard groceries and buy ammunition for our guns, need
someone to tell us when everything is to explode, in order to know when we need
to renew our provisions or that whether we'll be able to survive on what we
have. It would be awful if, after waiting all this time, the end of the world
found us with our gunpowder wet, so that we couldn't shoot the heads off those
who would rob us of our cans of corned beef!
Some
who are hopelessly out of touch might argue that it makes no sense to gather
provisions if the world is going to end. However, members of any video rental
service know that the world never entirely ends, someone is always left alive,
in which case, it is necessary to have a well-supplied pantry. Particularly in
Uruguay, where things are always left half done. It's possible that the
Apocalypse will wipe out everyone in Europe and the United States, where things
are done properly, but in our country, for bureaucratic reasons or sheer
laziness, there will never be total devastation.
That's
why we urgently need someone to set a new date for doomsday. The author himself
has 276 cans of peas that expire in 2016. It would be good to know if it makes
sense to keep them, or change them for ones that are good through, say, 2020.
I'm not going to permit the end-of-it-all to surprise me with expired canned
peas. There could be nothing worse than to survive the end times and like an
idiot, die of botulism!
Humans,
are creatures of habit. It is of the utmost importance that someone tell us
what will happen and when, even in the case of calamity. If you tell me that
humanity will vanish from the face of Earth within three or four years, I'll be
able to walk the streets calmly, unafraid that a milk truck might run me over.
Having amassed provisions to survive the Apocalypse comforts me to live until
it comes and even somewhat longer, since I'm probably the only one with enough
canned peas. But for that I must urgently know the date, because they'll expire
in just over two years. It's the same with shotgun cartridges. The casings hold
up well, but the powder is perishable and gets humid in no time, preventing one
from shooting to pieces the zombies, which as everyone knows, are going to rise
when the end times come.
Posted
By Worldmeets.US
It
was already disrespectful to continue past last December, but we should never
have trusted the Mayans, who couldn't even predict the end of their own
civilization. Yet the world is full of preachers, and I have no idea what the hell
they're doing now, but whatever it is, they are obviously not doing it well, because
for months, no one in Texas has been thumping their Bible and telling us that Judgment
Day is right around the corner.
So
if anyone knows the date of the coming disaster, please pass it to this reporter
before my peas expire. Thank you.
